1:48 AM - Friday, September 30, 2011
I'm so sad. So sad. Oh so sad. I'm dead serious. I'm really sad.
Its unfair for you, I know. I'm just sorry babeh. ):
You did nothing wrong, and you never once hurt me.
I'm just selfish, it's all about ME.
I wanted to have a 1 month break, or so, to put my fullest on my studies.
But also, it's to cool the both of us down.
We've been quarrelling ever since I started thinking.
Why her? How great is she? You loved her for like a year?!
I'm being selfish, but I just want you all for myself.
I gave you everything, even the my most precious thing on Earth!
But you gave it to someone else. Like oh man. Thats sad luh. But I've got to accept it right?
I love you the most most most! But you loved her more that time.
You don't even know if you did loved her or whatever shitzxzx.
How sure are you that you love me? Tell me how sure?
You said the most, but, oh really?
You still think of her at the 4th year! Oh bloody hell.
I wanna be special, the one you love most.
The one who can make you feel as if you had never loved anyone in your entire life.
I wanna be your best one.
But you loved her. I know, its the past. But hey! She once had you right?
She once kissed you, hugged you, touched you, held onto your hands and once had your heart all for herself for a DAMN BLOODY WHOLE LONG YEAR.
And oh such a pity, I doing the same thing.
How can I not be sad?
Im not the only one.
I never once loved someone so much, sacrificing my time, my study time even when the major papers are on their way, sacrificing ALL of my friends and the most precious thing. I gave it all.
I tried. I loved. I trust that you wont and NEVER hurt me.
Trust that you were different from all those men.
Cant I have more? To be the special one?
You are the special one for me, with you, YOU made me feel that I had never once loved anyone before. No densil, no eugene, no jordan, no xavier.
But you finally told me that you loved her.
So what if she only sit at your sofa in the living room? You brought her home too. But its okay.
So what if you never did so much for her? You were young! And you dont know what to do and you still loved her!
Cried for her, worry for her, care for her, slept at your cousin's place to meet her early the next morning.
Those are what you did for me as well, except, you begged me with your knees on the ground, you planned to marry me, you made stuffs for me. Well, because you're 18 now. You're matured, You've learned to treasure. And hey, you're going on 20 soon. You got to settle down soon.
But that doesnt mean you love me more. Get it?
When I board the bus back home. I wanted to cry, like so bad.
Its our last night. And we're off for our cooling period.
How much I wanted to turn back and give you a hug.
How much I wanted to let you know I love you.
How much I wanted to let you know, 1 month is gonna be long for me.
I'm not used to not seeing you everyday.
I'm missing you now. And its just 2 hours since I last saw you.
I really love you. Can't you see?
I want the R/S to be a fair one.
You love me most and I love you most.
You're my special one, and Im yours.
But you probably loved her the same way as you love me.
Just that you were younger that time and now you're matured.
I know I've made you cry over and over again. Hurt you over and over again.
I'm sorry, I was selfish.
But I'm sorry, I just wanna have you all by myself and no her.
I threw away everything my ex-s gaved me. To prove to you, you were worth much more than them.
But I cant see how much am i worth to you.
It took you so long to delete her picture after much hints.
You even told me that you wanna keep it for memory sake.
But hey! I let you keep whatever he gave me right? I let you burn them. I let you delete his pictures from my phone. YOU!
But what about me? You took so damn bloody long to delete just 1 picture. And you only delete it after so much quarrels we had gone through because of 'her'.
Is she worth so much? Is she? Is it so difficult for you to even clear her picture?
I wanna get over you, but i can't because I love you and we're still on our cooling period.
I want you to trust me that my feelings will remain the same after this 1 month.
But I'm taking a risk am I? You might fall for someone else instead.
But I hope you wont, after all we had been thtough.
6:33 PM - Sunday, September 11, 2011
To me, yes she exist.
But she isn't the supermodel type with perfect features, long legs and perfect skin.
She's even better.
But most guys overlook
Because at her worst,
she's insecure, clingy, shallow, jealous, nagging,
sensitive, emotional, dramatic and annoying.
But if you can't handle her and her worst, you don't deserve her at her best.
They are perfect in her own way, but their partner always tend to take them for granted...
She dresses up all cute and pretty every time you take her out on a date.
This is her way of keeping you interested as your eyes are locked solely on her.
But you stare at other girls instead, and she gets hurt and upset that all her time and effort were put to waste.
You call her insecure.
She holds on to you like she’s never letting you go.
This is her way of telling other girls that she’s lucky that she has you, and no, you’re not available.
You call her clingy.
She calls you the sweetest nicknames, or ones that only you two will understand.
This is her way of saying how special you are, and that there’s nobody else in this world like you.
You call other girls “babe” just as how you would call her, and she gets disappointed.
You call her shallow and jealous.
She checks up on you, making sure you made it home safely
or that you’re not out getting yourself into any kind of trouble.
This is her way of showing how often she thinks about you
and that she worries constantly because that’s how much she cares.
You say she’s nagging.
She cries when you do or say something wrong.
This is her way of saying “That hurt only because YOU said it and I love YOU.”
You call her overly sensitive and emotional.
She loves you more than you love her.
This is her way of dealing with the fact that your relationship wasn’t like how it used to be,
but she is willing to make room for more love and some changes. You push her away.
You call her dramatic and annoying.
So go ahead.
Leave the insecure, clingy, jealous, nagging, overly sensitive, annoying girl.
-Eloys.
If I had a boyfriend like Eloys, oh how great! He's like the most understanding man on Earth.
11:54 PM - Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I think I'm very bad again. ):
Why did I get angry with you for the slightest reason?
I'm not understanding.
You're with your friend, you're happy, I should feel happy too.
But I don't know why, I don't. I was rather unhappy.
I don't know why, I felt ignored, like I wasn't the only one you needed to be happy.
Gah! I feel so selfish. ))): I'm very very bad leh how! ):
I don't know why, at the point of time, all i was thinking was about me and never you.
I was so exhausted, and all I wanted was to see you, and yet you didn't really need me, that type of thinking. All about me, but i never thought of how you felt.
Sorry sorry.
And what's worst, I even doubt you.
You claimed that you didnt smoke, but I still doubt you. I'm so freaking bad.
So, so, so bad.
All I thought was you're trying to hide it again from me with soap, I got so worried with myself that you might be lying to me.
But I never thought of whether you're telling me the truth or not.
Dearest, I'm so bad right? You still want? ):
2:21 AM - Tuesday, August 30, 2011
We're all the same. I think.
亲爱的Tommy，我好爱你！
但是，我很难过.
不是我不相信你，我的心情你应该是不会了解吧.
我觉得我的人很像男人这样，但是我的心是女人的心. 很容易想东想西的.
如果你现在觉得很难过，真的对不起! ):
But I jealous too luh! Not say totally wont ma!
Dont know how to say. ._.
2:27 AM - Saturday, December 11, 2010
Girlgirl, I'm seriously seriously seriously missing you a lot. ):
After Jordan left, Michelle left, and then YOU!
And there I snapped.
I often wonder, was it because I'm not good enough.
What was it that I did that cause me to lose all of you.
For these months, I prayed for Jordan to come back.
He didnt in the end.
And it was because of me that he left.
Because I was always thinking too much.
I tried my best to not think.
Then Michelle left.
I felt that I wasnt good enough.
Maybe its just between my mum and her.
But sometimes, I feel that it was me.
If I helped out in paying, instead of spending my salary away, probably she would stay.
And You.
The feeling isnt nice.
This time, the problem lies with me.
I didnt hit your expectation as a bestfriend.
I dont know what you really want.
It was selfish of me to think that I could help bring the both of you back together.
I didnt went to think of how you felt. Sorry.
I'm really thinking alot these few months.
But after you left, it became worst.
Other than you, I didnt have anyone else to talk to.
None could be trusted. Only you.
Without you, sometimes I'd feel empty.
I even dreamt that we're talking as usual.
On your bed. You cooking fried rice for me. Sleeping together.
Everything was my fault.
I dont know how to think.
I'm not perfect.
And caused my love ones to leave me.
This time, I really dont want to think anymore.
I wanna be positive. I'm trying.
2:15 AM -
Decision making is seriously hard.
I've to consider this that this that, and myself.
How I'm feeling now, I don't know.
The decision is already made, no point regretting.
Maybe, I'm feeling happy, afraid.
I'm happy with the decision I made, but I'm afraid, maybe I make a wrong one?
I don't know.
Seriously, you're really a great great great person.
Sweet, caring, thoughtful, understanding, all the postitive points.
So whats wrong?
Maybe, yes, I mind your past. I'm afraid.
Maybe you showed all your postitive points to get me sitting on a top of a deep hole.
Making me decide if I should jump in or get down.
I don't know whats below this deep hole.
Probably its full of great things awaiting for me, or maybe its just an empty hole and it would be hurting again.
But now I fell into it even without knowing whats gonna happen.
I fell into it before, and that deep hole caused me so much pain.
I really dont wanna experience that again.
Yes, I'm happy that you're here.
You claimed that this time you're really serious.
I tried to believe, but its hard.
What if all this was just an act?
I'm always thinking.
Because I'm not like them.
I don't dress like them, I don't have what it got to be like them.
They dress prettily, they are pretty, they got what it takes to be a girl.
I'm noisy, I dont act like a girl. With a skin like mine, sometimes its just too embarrassing to show them off. I'm not as tall as them either.
Basically, I've nothing special.
Probably, because I'm naive, you're using me.
You used words like 'Forever , Eternity'
I'm sorry, but in my dictionary, these words are just lies to assure yourself that nothing's gonna happen.
There's no such thing as Forever. People come and go.
Family will leave you someday, Bestfriends will leave you, friends will leave you, your lover will leave you.
To promise this, its gonna take me a longer time to relieve my hurt after you leave someday.
And you probably said this a 100 time, but you didnt see it happening too, did you?
I'm sorry, I think I'm thinking too much again. Bye.
9:27 PM - Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Maybe you don't know, but I'm seriously missing you.
A few times I wanted to talk to you, and my shirt is still at your place.
Maybe I could take this opportunity to talk to you.
But I just waited.
When Zavier told me about the book, trust me, I was really waiting hard.
I was so excited. But its gone..
Up til now, seriously, nobody could replace you in your place as a bestfriend.
You told me, bestfriend is easy to find.
NO! You're wrong. I tried. But no one fits except you.
Remember I told you once, I would talk to nobody about my feelings except you.
In these months that we weren't talking, there's so many things I wanted to talk to you about,
That I even forgotten, we're still in a 'cold war'. I wanted to punch the call button so much!
If I'm something to you, why wont you just talk to me?
I told them, if you still have me in your heart, definitely someday you would come back.
Now I wonder, maybe it wouldnt come at all.
I'm really really waiting for you to talk to me, and show me the book.
Seriously, you're the only one suitable for me.
All these years, you were the only one i wanted to live my life happily together with.
The dream house. Same beds. Everything.
How about our dream? Didnt you promise?
Not only were we the best of friends, but you were and ARE my soul partner.
Seriously, Zen, I'm missing you again.
