4:35 AM - Saturday, October 9, 2010
Hmm, congrats ya?
I'm happy for you in some way still. At least you found someone better!
You probably forget everything i told you.
Will you still remember that I'm afraid of the dark because i can't see.
Will you still remember the problems i told you when we first met at DhobyGhaut?
Will you still remember that I didnt like tauhuey until that day you brought me to eat.
Will you still remember that I like ice cream?
Will you still remember everything we did together?
Yes, though you left me 4 months ago.
You probably think I've stop loving you or you probably dont bother.
I might not be talking about you in facebook, but i havent stop thinking.
I'm always thinking. day and night, before and after sleep, during journeys, when im bathing.
Whenever my mind is free, you havent left even once.
But i tried my best not to let my mind go free so i wouldnt have to think. Its just so tiring.
Yes, i know when we're together i havent treated you right.
But i swear i wasnt using you either.
I went into a relationship with you because i knew you were right for me.
You were always there for me when i needed you.
You listened to me well when i told you about all my problems and i was really really touched.
I remembered once, when i was telling others my problem, some just left the conversation.
But you were different. Not only were you there for me, but you became my daily need.
And thats where i knew i needed you. And when time passed, i was certain about my feelings for you.
I know when we're together, troubles came in.
I was thinking too much, i know.
But i cant help it at that time. Because i was afraid, afraid that you will be doing what he does.
I didnt put my faith in you, I'm sorry.
I know you put in alot of effort, but i just took all of it. I know you would feel bad too.
But all i was thinking was just me me and me. I was selfish, i know.
But i was really really really afraid to lose you.
I really thought it was easy to forget you, time would handle everything.
But i was wrong. Up til now, until you have totally forgotten about me.
Still, here I am remembering everything.
Its really really painful to know that you found someone.
I ought to feel happy for you, i wanted to feel happy for you.
But i still feel upset.
Yes, i still wish we could be friends.
But it would be painful to know a friend whom I like is having someone now.
It would hurt.
But I would still want to be there to support you whenever you feel down.
I want to be there for you as a friend.
All these while i've been so Un-Rion.
I knew but i was really really trying myself to be happy like what you said.
You left me and thus i should be happy.
Yes i feel the stone thats been in my heart being removed when you left me.
I felt the freedom, i didnt have to wait tiringly for your sms all day.
I need not think so much anymore.
I need not worry about you anymore.
But sadly, you took away almost everything. And its really really empty.
Everyday when my mind's free i would think back and teared silly tears.
As though crying would bring you back. But no..
I felt totally lost. I really didnt know what else i could do.
Sometimes i thought of hating you too. But its almost impossible.
This pain, its really the most painful one.
Its as if my heart died and I'm still walking.
Its just too empty, numb to take in even more hurts.
It shuts itself from other love and care.
To compare you and him, i was wrong, you both were different.
And thats why, my pain is different.
This time its really too pain.
Too pain that when i got to know that you were with someone.
I couldnt cry, i was so empty, numb, feelingless.
I really wanted to cry it all out to feel. But i couldnt.
Until when the pain finally came in.
I was killed the second time again.
The day you left me, i was probably killed to numbness.
After 4 months, the numb feeling did fade alittle.
And now, I was probably killed deep down.
How am i suppose to go through tomorrow? I'm worried for myself.
If only the sun wouldnt rise again, i need not think of tomorrow.
I know, one day, feelings will fade when i find someone new.
But now, how am i going to survive the upcoming days?
Feelings might fade a week, a month, a year, few years later.
How am i going to survive the upcoming days.
I dont know.
Now i just pray that you would recognise me as a friend.
That would be enough for me.
To be able to care for you, as a friend.
