4:31 AM - Friday, October 22, 2010
I'm really so tired.
Why is it when i got after 1 person, someone will leave again.
It was him last year, him this year, her this year, her this year.
I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
You know how my life was, you knew.
It was, maybe out of the ordinary.
I told you everything. Not everyone would believe. Only you.
You were there all these 4-5 years.
HOW COULD I POSSIBLY TREAT YOU AS A PASSERBY IN MY LIFE?!
You know what i went through.
Why now? Why this year? Why are you so heartless?
It was just 2 weeks since the shock.
And now you giving me another..
Why are you so stubborn?
Why wont you listen?
Why do you always think that you're right, right to leave me?
Are you happy?
You're unhappy because you i wanted the both of you to get back together.
Was helping someone a bad thing?
THEN FUCK BEING HELPFUL! I wont, i wont, no more.
Just by helping, i lose you.
Yes you, you Zenavia Quek.
Its amazing how you bear to walk away yesterday leaving me back there.
How were you feeling, i dont know, i really dont.
Back then i was feeling mixed.
Will you be happier if i was out of your life.
Maybe you would, I dont know.
But since thats what you want, maybe i should just let go.
But another part of me didnt want.
She wants me to continue catching you.
But i didnt went on, i was only hurting myself from running after all of you.
All of you, there wasnt any difference.
I loved all of you.
I wrote letter to him and he left me.
I wrote 2 letters to him and tried to salvage the r/s. He left too.
I beg her not to leave me, she knew what i was going through too. She left.
You, my almost everything. Left without telling my anything.
You left me wondering, and out of all of them, you were the cruel-est one.
All i wanted was you to be strong. I wanted the both of you back together because i knew.
After you left her, you weren't the same anymore, ask others.
We knew you were different, we knew you were suppressing.
Ask Andy, ask XinTing, we knew you werent right. I knew.
I knew you were unhappy even after leaving her.
I tried my best to keep you happy.
And after the talk with her, i knew, she did treasure the relationship between the both of you.
You knew too right. But she was very harsh, because she loved all of you.
You, Renae, her friends.
She's not the type of person who shows. But from that talk i knew, sometimes she even care for you more then me.
She was always talking about you, ZEN ZEN ZEN, you never left her mind once. Trust me.
So i thought maybe i could try bringing you both back together again.
I tried, but failed.
I just want you to face it up to her, You havent been explaining what happened to her too.
You left her wondering as well, now that i'm expriencing the same thing too, i could say, ITS FUCKING PAINFUL.
I feel her pain now.
But right now, leaving her aside, why would you leave me because of her?
Up til now, i dont know.
Why do you want to choose a childish way of doing things?
With problems like this, we can talk it out.
But you chose to leave, ending the friendship.
Isnt this like the primary school, 'i dont friend you already'?
Isnt it the same? Then why are you doing this?
You werent like that. You were mature.
Yes the friendship is strong, but now only you think its vulnerable.
Because i went with her? I didnt understand you?
I told you before didnt I? You were ZhiWei and I'm XiaoYanZi.
I really dont have the brain to understand you totally with talks. I need heart to heart talks to understand you better. I just dont have the ability to think that much.
Why ddnt you talk to me then keep it to yourself?
A strong friendship is not about one understanding the other one totally without even saying how one feels.
A strong friendship is about the love between the friends.
Even best friends need talks to understand each other better, and you?
You thought i knew it all, sorry i dont. Im not a genius, im forgetful too.
I need to talk to understand you, im not someone who can read minds.
If you're not going to tell me anything, how am i supposed to understand you.
Dont say i never ask. i told you i was worried, because you were acting very un-Zen.
But you told me it was nothing. I KNEW it wasnt nothing.
You wont tell me no matter how many time i asked.
You were that stubborn, but long ago, i came to accept your stubborness.
Because i love you for who you are.
You were the type of person who is. no-means-no.
We knew.
So, why cant you just tell me?
I'm your BESTFRIEND for goodness sake.
Are you willing to throw me away for her?
Also i knew you were worried for me over that flirt.
I'm happy to hear that too. But we're just friends, nothing much to worry about.
Maybe when it comes to r/s stuff you know i couldnt handle.
But i havent gotten over J, so that time wouldnt come yet.
I'm off to bed.
